Saturday, September 28, 2013


Well is been almost 2 weeks since we received the devastating news that our IVF cycle failed, I am not pregnant and our babies didn't make it. The first week was ok... I think I was suppressing my feelings though because this past week has been pure hell. I've tried to keep my emotions in check while in the company of others and I think and hope I did a good job. My feelings and emotions this week included anger, sadness, pain, and back to anger. It's not fair. It sucks. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying to believe in the promises of our Heavenly Father. I'm trying to see the bigger picture and I know that there is something great instore for us. But right now, at this moment in time, I'm mad. I want to know why, I want answers. But I also want to be faithful and believe the promises of His word. I'm trying, with every fiber of my being, I'm trying. I'm trying to stay strong for my husband who I know is hurting just as much as I am, I'm trying to keep my faith even though all I want to do is eat a gallon of ice cream and go to bed for a week. But I won't eat a gallon of ice cream and I've got too many responsibilities to go to bed for a week. I've mourned losses before but nothing like this. I don't know how to mourn this loss. The moment we were told we had 3 embroys I envisioned three little ones running through our house... We mourned the loss of one of those after we went to LR for the transfer. But we left that day with 2 embroys in my womb, and I envisioned 2 babies running through the house. I envisioned 2 car seats, and 2 stockings at Christmas. I envisioned baby Sunday at church, one baby held by Chance one by me. We had names picked out, as well as furniture and bedding. I'd ordered some stuff online and when it gets here I know I'll loose it again. I was cleaning off the coffee table yesterday and I found the embryo dish that they gave us after the transfer, I cried for 15 minutes. It's hard, I'm still holding out hope for our Christmas cards this year, this will be the second year that I wanted to do this and I'm praying that we get to. Please continue to pray for us friends, I'm struggling but I'm not giving up hope, I'm still trying, my head is still above the water, I'm tired... But I'm still trying to believe. 



Ashley said...

Ashley, this is so hard. I know exactly what you're feeling. I remember being so confused and angry because God had led us to embryo adoption and then we lost all 8 of our adopted embryos. Why?? Why did He have us go through that? All I know is that those 8 souls were released into Heaven and our daughter wasn't ready to meet us yet. Of course we can see how it all came together and that God's timing really was perfect but that doesn't make the hard times any easier. Hang in there. I'm praying for you!

Acacia said...

Have you ever considered a gestational surrogate? I didn't know if that was completely out of the question or if there was the possibility.

Ashley said...

My best friend offered to be a surrogate for us, but unfortunately with all the tests we had done with the blood work the problem doesn't come from me not being able to carry the babies. My numbers and hormones were all better than normal.