Making progress

Church today was amazing, the entire service spoke to me. Brother Mitchell spoke about salvation and forgiveness. I was saved as a young girl and then I rededicated my life in my early 20s and since then I've had trials that tested my faith but nothing like I'm going through now. I went to the alter and asked God to forgive me for the anger I've been feeling, I think He knows that I am not mad at Him, I hope so anyway. I asked also for peace and comfort. 

I downloaded the Family Talk app which is DR James Dobson. The broadcast series I was listening to was called Hope for Hurting Hearts, the guest speaker was Pastor Greg Laurie. He spoke about loosing his son in a car accident, his son was active in the church and had a wife and young daughter. They quoted some scripture that really spoke to me. Matthew 5:4 says "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." I'm learning that it's ok to mourn, and it's ok to be angry Ephesians 4:26 "'In your anger do not sin' Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry". I'm giving it all to Him, I can't heal without His love and promises. His promise in Isaiah 42:2 says "When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." He has promised to "never leave me or forsake me" Deut. 31:6 and "he will give me the desires of my heart" Psalm 37:4. Hannah prayed to God to bless her with a child and he granted her the desires of her heart. "For this child I prayed and The Lord has granted me what I asked of him" 1 Samuel 1:27. I'm trusting and believing and putting all my faith in Him. 

I'm tired, I'm broken, and I'm beat down; but all those feelings come from the devil.  The divil is there trying to keep me down, trying to make me question my God and everything he is capable of. But I will not let him break me down anymore, I am a child of God and He is capable of great things, He has blessed me beyond measure and for that I am greatful. 

One of the students from our Wednesday night class came forward this morning, I'm ashamed to say that I'm not in a place spiritually that I felt I could pray with her... God is still working on me and I pray that soon I will get to that point again. 

Ashley 

Trying

Well is been almost 2 weeks since we received the devastating news that our IVF cycle failed, I am not pregnant and our babies didn't make it. The first week was ok... I think I was suppressing my feelings though because this past week has been pure hell. I've tried to keep my emotions in check while in the company of others and I think and hope I did a good job. My feelings and emotions this week included anger, sadness, pain, and back to anger. It's not fair. It sucks. I'm hurt. I'm angry. I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying to believe in the promises of our Heavenly Father. I'm trying to see the bigger picture and I know that there is something great instore for us. But right now, at this moment in time, I'm mad. I want to know why, I want answers. But I also want to be faithful and believe the promises of His word. I'm trying, with every fiber of my being, I'm trying. I'm trying to stay strong for my husband who I know is hurting just as much as I am, I'm trying to keep my faith even though all I want to do is eat a gallon of ice cream and go to bed for a week. But I won't eat a gallon of ice cream and I've got too many responsibilities to go to bed for a week. I've mourned losses before but nothing like this. I don't know how to mourn this loss. The moment we were told we had 3 embroys I envisioned three little ones running through our house... We mourned the loss of one of those after we went to LR for the transfer. But we left that day with 2 embroys in my womb, and I envisioned 2 babies running through the house. I envisioned 2 car seats, and 2 stockings at Christmas. I envisioned baby Sunday at church, one baby held by Chance one by me. We had names picked out, as well as furniture and bedding. I'd ordered some stuff online and when it gets here I know I'll loose it again. I was cleaning off the coffee table yesterday and I found the embryo dish that they gave us after the transfer, I cried for 15 minutes. It's hard, I'm still holding out hope for our Christmas cards this year, this will be the second year that I wanted to do this and I'm praying that we get to. Please continue to pray for us friends, I'm struggling but I'm not giving up hope, I'm still trying, my head is still above the water, I'm tired... But I'm still trying to believe. 

Ashley

Negative

Negative…   

That was the word that we received on Monday, my 27^th birthday. Negative… I knew all to well how much that word packed a punch but Monday it was like it drove a stake right through my heart. Devastation, unbelief, hurt, sadness, anger, fear; all of these emotions flooded my mind and my heart, and the worst part was my husband was feeling the same emotions. Our hearts were broken. Our hearts are broken. We don’t know how we will proceed from here; we are awaiting word from Sarah as to what our options are. I don’t really have a whole lot to say about it right now. Losing the one embryo in the very beginning was hard enough and finding out that the two we transferred didn’t survive and implant is devastating to say the least. I want to share with you a quote from Joel Osteen; it is from their daily emails “Today’s Word with Joel and Victoria”.

Sometimes in life, you’ve got to play in pain. In other words, you’ve got to keep going even when you don’t feel like it. You have to keep pressing forward even when it’s not easy. Every voice will tell you, “You’re done. There’s nothing good in your future.” No, don’t believe those lies. God sees your effort. It’s one thing to do the right thing and make good decisions when everything is going your way. That’s great. God honors that. But when times are tough and nothing is going your way, when you’re hurting, when you should be on the sidelines nursing your wound but instead you’re still in the game; you’re still getting to work on time; you’re still being good to someone, you’re still expecting God to turn it around, that gets God’s attention in a new way.

I believe God has a greater reward for people who are faithful in the tough times. If that’s you today, know that God has His hand on you. He’s walking with you through the valley. He’s preparing streams in the dessert. He’s leading and guiding you in paths of righteousness for His name sake. Keep praising. Keep believing. Keep moving forward knowing that God is with you, and His comfort will guide you to the place of blessing.

 

Monday night we went to dinner with my dad, stepmom, Joshua, and Creed then came home and cried. Tuesday we got up and went to work, although I don’t think much work got done, and I only cried a few times. Wednesday we got up again and went to work, then to church and we taught our teens about “dating relationships” and what the bible says about them, and I only cried once. Today we got up and we went to work. We will do the same tomorrow, and every day after that, God willing, we will get up, we will get past this and we will move forward. It is very difficult but I know that is what God wants us to do. He has a plan for us we just don’t know what it is quite yet, but whatever it is it will be awesome, and we will look back on this and say “oh I see now why we had to go through that”. Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that he is in control and his promise is to prosper us and not harm us. Hug your babies tonight friends, Jesus is hugging my babies and someday I’ll get to meet them. I want to tell you all how much we appreciate your prayers, calls, and texts; it helps more than you know. 

 

Love,

Ashley and Chance

What's been happening...

Well my apologies for not posting a detailed update sooner but yesterday was the first day since the egg retrieval that I actually felt like a normal person... 

So here is a run down of the past week: Monday the 2nd we were in LR for the retrieval we arrived at 8:30 and I was given an IV and put under anesthesia and  about 45 minutes later I woke up!! They retrieved 16 eggs and out of those 11 were mature enough to be fertilized, out of the 11, three of them actually fertilized!! We we're so happy to hear this news! We headed home from LR and stopped in Conway for lunch, I'd only had a few pretzels after I came out of the anesthesia and I was starving, we stopped at McAlester's for lunch and I took half a pain pill to ease the ride home. We chatted a little on the way home and I dosed on and off a little. I'm not sure where I fell asleep but I remember I woke up as we were leaving Marshall, I remember they had stripped the road and it was so rough! I told Chance that I needed to go to the bathroom and to stop at the next station which was St Joe. We came up the mountain and my pain was getting worse, I was starting to feel nauseous and was getting dizzy. At the top of the mountain between Marshall and St Joe, right by the canoe rental place, just up from the smoke house, I made Chance pull over. I thought I was going to get out of the truck and puke... I remember getting out of the truck and leaning on the door the next thing I know Chance was standing over me yelling my name and slapping me (ever so gently) in the face. After I came to (as we were racing down the highway, going to find a hospital) and realized where I was and was was happening and started feeling better again, so I told him not to find a hospital but to stop at the next station. So we stopped in St Joe, went to the bathroom, got some water and cheese-it's and I contacted Sarah to see what might have caused my episode. She said, and the DR confirmed, that it was likely a sudden drop in blood pressure from all the medication. I felt terrible for scaring Chance like that... I apologized I think like 150 times on the way home! But all has been well since, I worked half a day Tuesday and then I worked Wednesday, it was much more painful than what they led on! 

We went back to LR on Thursday for a Day 3 transfer, Chance's parents went with us (Chance's dad offered to drive us home) we left about 6 am and got there about 9:45, we stopped for breakfast and to pee once! When we got there we were told that one embryo (which was 4 cells on day 2) had divided into 8 cells overnight, one embryo (which was 1 cell on day 2) split overnight and was now 2 cells, the third embryo was still sitting at one cell and had not divided. We were told that if it didn't divide it would have to be discarded because it wasn't developing. This was really hard news to hear... I remember Chance and I sitting in silence for a few minutes just processing the news, I cried a little and we prayed together thanking God for the two miracles we had, and to be with the slow developer after we had left. On the way home we stopped in Conway at Buffalo Wild Wings for lunch, I love that place, they have the best boneless wings EVER!! Just sayin! We then stopped for ice cream at Baskin Robbins and I finally did something that I always wanted to try since my last name became Robbins... I asked for a discount!! It didn't work of course but it was fun none the less! Chance actually thought I wouldn't do it but I showed him... Actually he kinda dared me and I couldn't let him win!! Haha! Then we stopped in Leslie for some peaches (which were FANTASTIC by the way). Then we stopped at the smokehouse (across the road from where I passed out) and Lonnie bought bacon and ham, that place smelled AMAZING!! Then we headed home, I think I fell asleep somewhere between St Joe and Harrison, I woke up as we were leaving Green Forest and I had never been more happy to see my bed, it was 4:00 and I took a nap! I also took a nap on Saturday and Sunday! Naps are awesome! 

I finally received word this morning that our 3rd embryo never divided. We are heartbroken but at the same time so grateful for the 2 miracle babies I've got growing inside me!! Yes I said 2... we transferred our 2 embryos and they've been dividing and growing and attaching ever since last Thursday!! We are praying and believing and thanking God for everything he has done for us and given to us through this process! Thank you all for your prayers! I truly appreciate all your kind words, thoughts, phone calls and texts! The love you've shown us through this journey is amazing! Please keep the prayers coming, I'm still having some pain in my right rib cage area, not sure what's causing it and I've called the LR clinic to see of they have any insight, the nurse called me and recorded all my symptoms  but I never heard back from her with what the DR thought. We're less than a week away from my birthday 6 days to be exact and that means we are 6 days from the blood pregnancy test!! 

Here are a couple of pictures to leave you with, the first one is our babies (embryos) the second is where they slept before being put into my womb!! Have a wonderful blessed week my friends, We love you all! 

Chance and Ashley 

Quick update

The transfer was today and all went well. We will go in on the 16th for a blood pregnancy test... Please continue to pray for our babies and for Chance and I. I will post a more detailed update soon. Thank you all for your prayers, calls, and texts!! Love you all!!

Chance and Ashley

Encouragement

This morning as I was praying these two verses came to my mind and they comforted me so I wanted to share.

"For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him.” 1 Samuel 27. 

For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

I was listening to the Casting Crowns song this morning Come to the Well, I love this song because it talks about one of my favorite stories in the bible. In the song Mark Hall sings these lyrics:

Leave it all behind, 

Leave it all behind, 

Leave it all behind, 

Leave it all behind, 

I have what you need, 

But you keep on searchin, 

I've done all the work, 

But you keep on workin, 

When you're runnin on empty, 

And you can't find the remedy, 

Just come to the well.

You can spend your whole life, 

Chasin what's missing, 

But that empty inside, 

It just ain't gonna listen.

When nothing can satisfy, 

And the world leaves you high and dry, 

Just come to the well

[CHORUS:]

And all who thirst will thirst no more, 

And all who search will find what their souls long for, 

The world will try, but it can never fill, 

So leave it all behind, and come to the well

So bring me your heart

No matter how broken, 

Just come as you are, 

When your last prayer is spoken, 

Just rest in my arms a while, 

You'll feel the change my child, 

When you come to the well

[CHORUS:]

And all who thirst will thirst no more, 

And all who search will find what their souls long for, 

The world will try, but it can never fill, 

So leave it all behind, and come to the well

Yeah

Leave it all behind

The world will try, but it can never fill... leave it all behind

And now that you're full, 

Of love beyond measure, 

Your joy's gonna flow, 

Like a stream in the desert, 

Soon all the world will see that living water is found in me, 

Cuz you came to the well

[CHORUS:]

And all who thirst will thirst no more, 

And all who search will find what their souls long for, 

The world will try, but it can never fill, 

So leave it all behind, and come to the well

I love this song because He is all we need and we must trust in Him. When we come to the well we have all we ever need in Christ if we'll just accept Him and live our lives for Him and not this world. 

Have a blessed day friends, thank you for the prayers. 

Ashley  

Little Rock Bound!

Well we are headed to Little Rock for the retrieval!! After 1 full week of injections I was so glad to see the email from Sarah that said to take the last of them!! 

Saturday morning I got up at 5:45,got ready and drove to Willow Creek for an US and blood work. I saw DR Gorman, he was really nice and funny. I told him what DR Duke had said about my Easter baskets being full and he laughed, then he told me that it looked like I'd have a "bountiful harvest". After he measured and counted all my eggs he told me to have a good day and asked if I knew my way out I said "yes just down the stairs" he replied "actually you can take the elevator down, I recommend that given your current ovarian state". HA! It made me laugh, he was very nice and you could tell he enjoys his job and has a heart for helping people! 

So I'm writing this post from the truck while Chance drives! Thank you all for the prayers and positive thoughts! I will try to update tomorrow but it will more than likely be Tuesday as I will be put under anesthesia tomorrow morning and there is no telling what the post might say! Ha! 

Chance and Ashley