Feelings...

I'm asking today for prayers, I've been having feelings of resentment and anger and I need Gods help to squish those feelings. I don't want to use my blog for griping or complaining, and this post might seem like I'm doing both but that is not my intention... I'm just writing down my feelings. I feel like people who haven't struggled with fertility issues don't understand how amazing the miracle of life is. I wish that some were more understanding of what we are going through, ask us how it's going, or how we're doing. Chance and I have told most of our close friends and family about the journey we've embarked on and for the most part we are fully supported. I've really developed a great relationship with a friend that has gone through the same process, we've laughed together and cried together and she has been an awesome support since we found out about our infertility and for that I am so grateful. I think what I'm struggling with most is the feeling that some of my friends and family don't seem to care, and I know that's not the case but that's how I feel... I feel like those that already have kids don't understand the heartache and disappointment that we've experienced, I'm sure they understand the desire to have children but they don't understand the rest. The resentment that I'm feeling stems from the fact that most people can have sex once and get pregnant, some people don't have to "try" or even "track" their cycles. Babies are expensive anyway, I've read that it takes $10,000 to $15,000 for baby's first year of life but when you add up the costs of IVF fertility treatments that number doubles. People take for granted the fact that they don't have to have treatments to have a baby and that makes me angry! For those of you reading this that haven't struggled with fertility issues please do me this one favor, think before you speak... Comments like "well of course we got pregnant right away, we prayed for it" or "it will happen, just stop thinking about it" or the worst of them all "maybe your not meant to be a mom"... Comments like that hurt, they cut to the core, they cause your heart to break and a heart can only take so much. But please also ask your friends, if you have friends who are struggling, ask them how they're doing ask them if there is anything you can do. Maybe all they need is to know that you are thinking of them, that you haven't forgotten them and the fact that they are going through something emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausting. Let them know that you're still there, maybe they need to talk, or maybe they need a hug, or maybe they'd like a piece of chocolate! Don't just call them up and pretend nothing is going on, shoot the breeze and act like its just another day. Remember everyday is a constant battle of emotions, and doesn't help that you're on hormones that make you cry for NO reason at all! So pray for me, pray that I can keep my emotions in check, that I can squish the resentment and anger feelings, pray for Chance too we both need it. God bless all of you reading this and thank you. Sorry if this sounded like a gripe-fest it wasn't my intention.

Ashley

Uncomfortable

Fair warning this post probably contains too much info.... But I did it... I passed the HSG test!!! Go me! For those of you that are wondering it is the x-ray dye test to make sure my faliopan tubes are clear and nothing is blocking them, and I passed!! I'm just going to be perfectly honest... It sucked! It wasn't the fact that is was super painful, don't get me wrong it hurt, but it wasn't the worst pain I've ever experienced. The worst part was that they couldn't get through to shoot the dye. What I was told would be a 15 min procedure took 45 minutes, but they finally were able to get it. It was emotionally, physically, and mentally exausting. I kept trying to think of other things, the staff was super nice and the dr that they brought in was great. I was really glad when he was able to tell me the results and that the 45 minutes laying on the table was worth it because the results were good! I was only given 24 hour notice about the test I found out Thursday at 1:30 that I needed to be at the hospital at 1:30 Friday. I think in a way that was good because I didn't have time to phsyc myself up for it! Memaw went with me and sat in the waiting room, I was grateful that she went because it was nice to know that someone was there waiting for me. Chance would have gone but he had to work. After the appointment I hauled it back to Berryville and Chance and I hurried up to Branson for our youth leaders retreat. We planned out the next year in our youth ministry, it was a productive and awesome weekend. We have the best friends we could ever ask for and I'm so thankful and greatful that God has placed them in our lives. I'm telling you God knows what he's doing and the fact that we have these people to help us though this process is proof!

I've been on the birth control for 4 days now and I haven't noticed a huge change in my mood... Hopefully it will stay that way! We're looking at about 3 weeks on the birth control then we'll attend the IVF class with the nurse and start the injectable hormones. Hopefully I'll get some more info on a timeline... You know me, I'm a planner!!

Church League Ragball

Tonight the awesome TOC team won both their games! They're doing pretty great this season only losing one game so far!! Last night was a pretty dirty night as in it FINALLY rained in Carroll County and the field was Muddy!! We played Kings River and Bethel last night and I'm pretty sure Bethel only showed up to play in the mud, they looked like they had a great time and went home covered in mud head to toe! Tonight was a little more dry but there was still a pretty big puddle between 3rd and home. Tonight wasn't without excitement though, John hit 2 home runs for the TOC team and Henry from Southern Heights got hit in the head with the ball... There were a few injuries but I think everyone was able to walk home. We were all fairly surprised when the game wasn't called due to lightning even though the skies were dark and lightning was all around us!

As we were all running for our vehicles after the game was over to prevent getting wet I got an email... It was from the APN from Little Rock apparently she's been sick and has been gone, she asked some questions about my cycle, and TMI, but I'm on day 4 and we have to start the birth control pills on day 2-5 of my cycle... It might be too late for this month but if so we'll just wait til next month. We know that God has a plan and whatever that plan is it will be great! It seems that everything is coming together. 

In other news I'm planning a yard sale the last weekend of August, we're using this as a fundraiser for our "baby fund". Memaw has given us stuff and I think Cindy will be bringing things to put in it. Hopefully we can make a good amount to help cover some of the extra expenses we will have. Sometimes I still find myself feeling angry at the fact that we have to go though this process, that we aren't able to do the one thing that God intended us to do naturally. But I believe that God gave man wisdom to make medical advances and that this is a way for us to be able to have our own children. We are so excited about starting this new chapter in our lives and we are so blessed to have this option. Please keep us in your prayers as we continue to pray and seek God's guidance. Good night all! 

Ashley 

VBS

This week was VBS week at Towering Oaks Church, I look forward to this week evey year!! I was fortunate enough to get to do this VBS twice this year, once in Pennsylvania on our church mission trip and then again at TOC. I always come away from the week feeling full and blessed, it truly is such an honor to do Gods work. Chance and I work with the teens and we get pretty attached to the kids, luckily we get to see most of them in Wednesday night classes in the fall! I also get to have my brother with me for the week, I miss him terribly and it's such a joy getting to spend time with him! I'm even more glad he's coming to learn about God! My faith has been tested these past few... well years I guess... From deciding to start a family to finding out that we aren't able to conceive naturally without a miracle, to deciding to start the IVF process. It's super stressful and emotional but all week at bible school we learned that God helps us Stand Strong!! God is certainly helping me stand strong and without him I don't think I'd make it through! I've been blessed with some amazing friends and family and a pretty awesome husband, I know at God will not gave me the challenges that he does if he didn't think that I could handle it. If he brings me to it he will bring me though it!! Yesterday I got to spend some time with friends at the lake and today we had and awesome day at the water slide at roaring river!! Sunday will be the VBS finale at church and I am really looking forward to it!!  That's all for now, God is good all the time!!

Ashley

No news...

Monday was the last time I heard from the nurse from Little Rock... I really don't want to be a bug-a-boo but the suspense is killing me!!! I want to know when we can start this whole process... I'm trying to be patient but its hard. I'm this close to bombarding her email with "are we there yet" type questions, but I will refrain, I know she's a busy woman. We're still praying and seeking God's guidance, all in His time.

Not much else happening around here I've been trying to get back into the habit of walking everyday but its so hot🔥. Today I went swimming with a friend and we did water exercises, now that's fun!! I always have fun with her we have the best conversations!! Chance is fishing tonight and I should be folding laundry but I'm putting it off... PROCRASTINATION! I'm really good at it, so I'm watching hallmark movies! Ok I've wasted enough time I must go fold now!!

The GIANT elephant in the Room, our journey through infertility…

I started this blog a few years ago as kind of a release from everyday life. It was something fun, a place to tell my “funny” dog stories, a place to describe my hard work trying to shovel the snow off of the driveway, and to rant about fashion and the ignorance of America’s youth.  I don’t use it much even with all my intentions of “blogging” but I’m switching gears and drawing inspiration from other blogs. I’ve discussed it with Chance and we’ve decided to use my blog to document the next step in our lives. I’m not writing this for sympathy, I’m not writing this so people can judge us, I simply want to share our story with others in hopes that someone will read it and it may help them through difficult times. I am also writing this for our children so that someday we can go back and read this together and they will know how much we love them, how hard we prayed for them, what we went through to have them, and how amazing our God is, “For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him.” 1 Samuel 27. This will be a long one so bear with me.

Let’s start this story about 2 years ago; Chance and I had been married 2 and a half years and we were discussing  when to have children, most of our friends were having babies and let me tell you I had the fever!! Little did I know but my husband had it too… as the summer wore on the more we prayed about it and finally decided that we were ready. November of 2011 came and we made the decision that I would go off of birth control, it made me kind of crazy and well you can’t get pregnant if you’re taking birth control, there was NO Turning back! At first we decided just to pray about it and let things happen naturally and after about a month off of the pill my periods returned to normal (I’ve always been a “like clockwork” every month girl) so this wasn’t surprising. We fell back into our normal everyday lives and every month I waited to “miss” but every month it came… again… like clockwork… and it started getting to me. It was June, about 6 months in, with the suggestion of my DR, that we decided to start timing. I downloaded an app and bought those strips that you pee on that will magically tell you when to… well you know! So we tried that for another few months, we prayed and I just knew it was going to work, we both did. It didn’t. I had this plan in my mind that by November (one year after starting the journey) we would be pregnant, I was so hopeful that I almost had myself believing that it was true. I wanted to announce our good news on our Christmas cards, wouldn’t that be special! Well by September I was symptom searching, wishing and hoping, then aunt flow would come. October everything around me smelled horrible and I was still symptom searching, any pregnancy symptom you could have I had it, but then alas the end of the month would come and I’d get my period again. November came we’ve got one more shot to make my Christmas card dream come true (seems so silly now) I just knew it was our month… it was, I could feel it in my bones, something was different. Chance was going to come home from work and I’d get to tell him the amazing news that the baby that we’d been praying for was finally growing inside of me… but then like clockwork it came, I was devastated, Chance was devastated. It started at work that day and I almost couldn’t work, I almost went home. I spent most of the day in my office staring at the computer screen doing something… anything to keep my mind off of it. I kept my cool and only cried twice. When I got home though I think I cried for 20 minutes straight until Chance got home and then I put my big girl panties on and sucked it up! December came… I didn’t do any Christmas cards and I got my period again.

The day I got my period in December I called to make an appointment with my DR. January 4^th we went to see the DR and we started the process of finding out why we hadn’t gotten pregnant for over a year. I’m so fortunate that my DR was kind and understanding, she looked at me that day and said “don’t worry, we’ll get you pregnant, you’ll have a baby” it was the first time in a year that I finally felt like we would get some answers. They did blood work for me that day and we came back the following Monday for more blood work for me and for Chance to give a sample. My DR was on vacation the following week so we didn’t hear any results from any of the tests until January 21^st… I remember the call like it was yesterday. The nurse called to tell me the results and I was devastated, I called my friend and just sobbed on the phone…my heart was broken not only for me but for my husband, I knew his desire to have a child was equal to mine and I had to tell him this horrible news.  So we went February 4^th for a follow up appointment. They did further blood testing and a few weeks later called to tell us that “everything looked normal” and “we can’t help you any further you’ll have to see a fertility specialist”. At this point we were tired… we were just flat out tired. We had things coming up in the spring that got our minds off of it for a while. And we prayed, we prayed hard, we didn’t like the news we got and so we prayed about it. We decided we wouldn’t call Little Rock right away we wanted to wait until maybe the fall and in our minds I think we thought “we’ll show all you doctors… we’ll get pregnant even with this diagnosis”. Yeah that didn’t happen and it didn’t get any easier month to month either, on the 3^rd Thursday of every month (I know TMI) when my period would show up and last 4-5 days, it was still devastating. We were focusing on paying off the DR bills we had accumulated, getting thorough the annual NWTF fundraiser banquet, focusing on Relay, focusing on our teen class at church, and preparing for our mission trip that we took in June.

At my yearly appointment in May my DR offered to get an appointment set up with the nurse practitioner from Little Rock for a free consultation. We didn’t get into too big of a hurry to hear back, that was the day of Relay, and the day that it snowed in May. Also we were leaving for Pennsylvania in a little over a month and had a lot to do to get ready for it! We were very apprehensive about the money aspect of it. We had already been told that based on all the current tests IVF was our only option, to have our own children. So we went on with our lives over the next 2 months. When we got back from PA I called the clinic and asked why we hadn’t heard anything and by the end of the day we had an appointment for July 2^nd. It was all coming together I was very nervous of what she was going to tell us. But we prayed over the appointment that all would go well, we prayed that whatever she told us that we could accept it and whatever money we would need that God would help provide a way.

We went to the appointment on July 2^nd and she was wonderful, she went over all the results. She explained why this wasn’t the cause of the problem and that this is a possibility of the cause of the problem. She wanted to take another sample so that her lab could analyze it, she wasn’t satisfied with some of the numbers from the first one and she needed to know exactly what we were working with before we got started. Luckily since I did all my blood work at the beginning of the year I didn’t have to give more! When the money aspect was brought up we were thoroughly surprised… It was actually less than what we were expecting, and it was doable. Praise God now we have answers and a plan!

This whole time I’ve been clinging to a verse, Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Back in February when we received the news that we weren’t going to be able to get pregnant naturally I remembered a conversation with a very sweet woman right before we “officially started trying” they had adopted their first child and she told me about a blog that she had started during their journey. We had become Facebook friends so I looked up her blog, it took me 3 days but I read that blog from start to finish and let me tell you it was inspiring, I laughed and I cried. If you haven’t found it yet pop over to weareexpectingmiracles.blogspot.com and take a look they are in the process of adopting baby # 2.

So this is our journey now, it’s a scary road ahead but we know that God is in control. As the next few months pass there will be many appointments to attend and many updates to be given. I just want to expose that giant elephant that’s been sitting on my shoulder mocking us the last 2 years, making me feel terrible every time someone asks us “when are you going to have a baby?” I’m telling our story so that I don’t have to secretly cry at home after I’ve been asked that dreadful question again. God bless all of you, and thank you for reading. Thank you for all your support. I want to especially thank those that we have confided in these last 2 years if it wasn’t for the understanding and listening of friends, and our amazing God I don’t know how we could have made it this far. Stay tuned, it just got REAL!!!

Ashley & Chance