The GIANT elephant in the Room, our journey through infertility…

I started this blog a few years ago as kind of a release from everyday life. It was something fun, a place to tell my “funny” dog stories, a place to describe my hard work trying to shovel the snow off of the driveway, and to rant about fashion and the ignorance of America’s youth.  I don’t use it much even with all my intentions of “blogging” but I’m switching gears and drawing inspiration from other blogs. I’ve discussed it with Chance and we’ve decided to use my blog to document the next step in our lives. I’m not writing this for sympathy, I’m not writing this so people can judge us, I simply want to share our story with others in hopes that someone will read it and it may help them through difficult times. I am also writing this for our children so that someday we can go back and read this together and they will know how much we love them, how hard we prayed for them, what we went through to have them, and how amazing our God is, “For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him.” 1 Samuel 27. This will be a long one so bear with me.

Let’s start this story about 2 years ago; Chance and I had been married 2 and a half years and we were discussing  when to have children, most of our friends were having babies and let me tell you I had the fever!! Little did I know but my husband had it too… as the summer wore on the more we prayed about it and finally decided that we were ready. November of 2011 came and we made the decision that I would go off of birth control, it made me kind of crazy and well you can’t get pregnant if you’re taking birth control, there was NO Turning back! At first we decided just to pray about it and let things happen naturally and after about a month off of the pill my periods returned to normal (I’ve always been a “like clockwork” every month girl) so this wasn’t surprising. We fell back into our normal everyday lives and every month I waited to “miss” but every month it came… again… like clockwork… and it started getting to me. It was June, about 6 months in, with the suggestion of my DR, that we decided to start timing. I downloaded an app and bought those strips that you pee on that will magically tell you when to… well you know! So we tried that for another few months, we prayed and I just knew it was going to work, we both did. It didn’t. I had this plan in my mind that by November (one year after starting the journey) we would be pregnant, I was so hopeful that I almost had myself believing that it was true. I wanted to announce our good news on our Christmas cards, wouldn’t that be special! Well by September I was symptom searching, wishing and hoping, then aunt flow would come. October everything around me smelled horrible and I was still symptom searching, any pregnancy symptom you could have I had it, but then alas the end of the month would come and I’d get my period again. November came we’ve got one more shot to make my Christmas card dream come true (seems so silly now) I just knew it was our month… it was, I could feel it in my bones, something was different. Chance was going to come home from work and I’d get to tell him the amazing news that the baby that we’d been praying for was finally growing inside of me… but then like clockwork it came, I was devastated, Chance was devastated. It started at work that day and I almost couldn’t work, I almost went home. I spent most of the day in my office staring at the computer screen doing something… anything to keep my mind off of it. I kept my cool and only cried twice. When I got home though I think I cried for 20 minutes straight until Chance got home and then I put my big girl panties on and sucked it up! December came… I didn’t do any Christmas cards and I got my period again.

The day I got my period in December I called to make an appointment with my DR. January 4^th we went to see the DR and we started the process of finding out why we hadn’t gotten pregnant for over a year. I’m so fortunate that my DR was kind and understanding, she looked at me that day and said “don’t worry, we’ll get you pregnant, you’ll have a baby” it was the first time in a year that I finally felt like we would get some answers. They did blood work for me that day and we came back the following Monday for more blood work for me and for Chance to give a sample. My DR was on vacation the following week so we didn’t hear any results from any of the tests until January 21^st… I remember the call like it was yesterday. The nurse called to tell me the results and I was devastated, I called my friend and just sobbed on the phone…my heart was broken not only for me but for my husband, I knew his desire to have a child was equal to mine and I had to tell him this horrible news.  So we went February 4^th for a follow up appointment. They did further blood testing and a few weeks later called to tell us that “everything looked normal” and “we can’t help you any further you’ll have to see a fertility specialist”. At this point we were tired… we were just flat out tired. We had things coming up in the spring that got our minds off of it for a while. And we prayed, we prayed hard, we didn’t like the news we got and so we prayed about it. We decided we wouldn’t call Little Rock right away we wanted to wait until maybe the fall and in our minds I think we thought “we’ll show all you doctors… we’ll get pregnant even with this diagnosis”. Yeah that didn’t happen and it didn’t get any easier month to month either, on the 3^rd Thursday of every month (I know TMI) when my period would show up and last 4-5 days, it was still devastating. We were focusing on paying off the DR bills we had accumulated, getting thorough the annual NWTF fundraiser banquet, focusing on Relay, focusing on our teen class at church, and preparing for our mission trip that we took in June.

At my yearly appointment in May my DR offered to get an appointment set up with the nurse practitioner from Little Rock for a free consultation. We didn’t get into too big of a hurry to hear back, that was the day of Relay, and the day that it snowed in May. Also we were leaving for Pennsylvania in a little over a month and had a lot to do to get ready for it! We were very apprehensive about the money aspect of it. We had already been told that based on all the current tests IVF was our only option, to have our own children. So we went on with our lives over the next 2 months. When we got back from PA I called the clinic and asked why we hadn’t heard anything and by the end of the day we had an appointment for July 2^nd. It was all coming together I was very nervous of what she was going to tell us. But we prayed over the appointment that all would go well, we prayed that whatever she told us that we could accept it and whatever money we would need that God would help provide a way.

We went to the appointment on July 2^nd and she was wonderful, she went over all the results. She explained why this wasn’t the cause of the problem and that this is a possibility of the cause of the problem. She wanted to take another sample so that her lab could analyze it, she wasn’t satisfied with some of the numbers from the first one and she needed to know exactly what we were working with before we got started. Luckily since I did all my blood work at the beginning of the year I didn’t have to give more! When the money aspect was brought up we were thoroughly surprised… It was actually less than what we were expecting, and it was doable. Praise God now we have answers and a plan!

This whole time I’ve been clinging to a verse, Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Back in February when we received the news that we weren’t going to be able to get pregnant naturally I remembered a conversation with a very sweet woman right before we “officially started trying” they had adopted their first child and she told me about a blog that she had started during their journey. We had become Facebook friends so I looked up her blog, it took me 3 days but I read that blog from start to finish and let me tell you it was inspiring, I laughed and I cried. If you haven’t found it yet pop over to weareexpectingmiracles.blogspot.com and take a look they are in the process of adopting baby # 2.

So this is our journey now, it’s a scary road ahead but we know that God is in control. As the next few months pass there will be many appointments to attend and many updates to be given. I just want to expose that giant elephant that’s been sitting on my shoulder mocking us the last 2 years, making me feel terrible every time someone asks us “when are you going to have a baby?” I’m telling our story so that I don’t have to secretly cry at home after I’ve been asked that dreadful question again. God bless all of you, and thank you for reading. Thank you for all your support. I want to especially thank those that we have confided in these last 2 years if it wasn’t for the understanding and listening of friends, and our amazing God I don’t know how we could have made it this far. Stay tuned, it just got REAL!!!

Ashley & Chance

When to pull the plug?

Some of you know the troubles I've had with my brother, it all started in September after he made the terrible decision to drink and drive and was arrested. He called me and I decided to bail him out. In November he came to stay with us. We had 3 rules; don't do drugs while living in our house, no guests allowed, and no smoking in the house. He eventually broke all 3 rules and we had to make him leave. We had supported him for 2 months and he disrespected us and our home, we helped him get a job and I have driven him to OK for court 3 times now. So here's my question when do I pull the plug? He is now out of a job due to a seizure and is living in a tent. I don't want him living here but I also don't want him living in a tent. Chance tells me that is him playing on the fact that I have a huge heart, he is manipulating me into helping him. He hasn't been honest with me and I don't trust him but he's my brother... He has no one else and that makes me feel bad/sad. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. It's a terrible place to be in... Between the rock and the hard place. I'm praying that I make the right decision. Prayers appreciated in the difficult situation.

It's been a while!!!

Well it's been almost a year and a half since my last post and a lot has happened in the past year... I say a lot but maybe it hasn't. Chance and I are very boring people and we basically go to work, church and stay home! Talk about BORING!! Chance informed me last night at our teen after prom "party" at church (we had fun awesome games, trivia, and PANCAKES!!!) that I had the maturity of an 80 year old woman! This was said after I told him I was much more mature than he is and he comes back with that comment. So what if I like to go to bed at 10:00, so what if I love watching antique roadshow (even though I can't get the channel here), so what if I love HGTV, and watching re-runs of "In the Heat of the Night", so what if I use therigesic and mentholatum! Does that make me an 80 year old woman!?! NO... 65 maybe, but definitely not 80!! He just doesn't understand that I was raised by traditionalists, we watched the evening news and then hit the hay! We used home remedies when we were sick and we definitely watched old shows like Andy Griffith and Murder She  Wrote!! Memaw made pawpaw and I cream of wheat for breakfast and she makes the best homemade drop biscuits EVER!! My upbringing was a good one, nothing really to complain about! Someday I hope to instill the same values into my children that Memaw and Pawpaw instilled into me. Thanks for reading, it's now 10:40 and I'm beat... I think it's time for bed! Goodnight all!

Cleaning House...

Facebook is a great place to keep in touch with old friends or family in another state but for me it’s become a place to know what other people are up to… and they make it soooo easy to know everything that’s going on in their lives. Here is my complaint; I am friends with people that I knew in the past, people that were not nice (only to preserve feelings). When Chance and I decided to start dating we immediately hit it off, by the 3^rd date I knew that there could be something real and lasting between us.  I was attending a church that I had been introduced to through my family when I was 16, so for 6 years those people were my friends. We laughed together, cried together, we traveled together, they helped me through some really tough times and I did the same. So when I met the man that I now call my husband I was so happy, God had finally answered my prayers and sent me the most wonderful man, from our first date we had a connection. We talked about what we both wanted out of life and surprisingly it was the same. We dated for 6 months and he asked me to marry him so naturally I said yes! By this point Chance and I knew that after we were married we would move to Berryville where he was from to help out his parents. So when I told my “friends” from my “church family” I was not met with the reaction I was expecting, I ended up leaving the church 2 days after we were engaged and I have not been back. After that I wasn’t sure that I wanted to get involved in church like that again, I thought that if the people I had known and had been friends with for the past 5 years completely abandoned me during the happiest time of my life thus far what was the point in trying to do that all over again… I was just glad to have the friends that really cared for me and were my friends no matter what and stood by my decision, of course they weren’t happy I was moving but they were happy I was happy. They were the ones that stood by me when I said “I do” (some were watching from the pew) but they were there!! I also found a new church family; Chance introduced me to an amazing group of people and an awesome church. We have become involved in the ministry and we wouldn’t trade it. We always said the move here to Berryville would be temporary but I honestly don’t think we will move back to Fayetteville, we have found an amazing church and we don’t ever see ourselves leaving, I’m sure we will raise our children here. We both have grown closer to God and our relationship with him just gets better. So now it brings me to the reason for my Facebook comment from earlier, every time I log on and see posts form certain people excited about getting engaged, or getting married or having a baby, and they get to be excited and those people are sharing in their excitement, I feel anger and resentment. How is it fair that they get to be happy for these joyous occasions but they are the ones who stole my joy… they stole my happiness… I was crushed by people I trusted. They never spoke to me again and it really hurts. But it’s time to move on, I can’t keep holding onto this resentment and anger I must let it go. So I am cleaning house, my Facebook will be place to check on the people that mean the most to me not people who treated me badly and judged me harshly. Chance and I will be married 2 years on December 5^th and I just want to say how amazing being married is, it truly is something that God has given us. We are so blessed to have each other and I can’t imagine my life with out him, I am so glad I answered that Facebook message 3 years ago from a man who I had met a few times at work and knew really nothing about, but I took a “chance” (hehe) and I found my soul mate. I encourage you to “clean house” if there are things in your life that are causing you grief or pain, or causing you to feel angry or resentful get rid of it. Pray about it and God will help you get over it.

Ashley

25 years...

So Friday is my 25^th birthday. This week has been a bit emotional for me; I found out Saturday that Pawpaw had an episode with his vein used in his dialysis treatment where it started bleeding. This is really scary because he can bleed to death in a matter of minutes; luckily he was only minutes from the hospital and everything turned out ok and we owe it all to God. It really got me thinking about life, Pawpaw has been through so much… diabetes, heart attacks, and now kidney failure. He just celebrated his 70^th birthday and he has the most amazing outlook on life, he wants to go go go!! He won’t slow down and you can’t make him! Growing up he was my father figure, I only saw my dad every other weekend. I also got to spend time with my little brothers and my stepmom Patty, growing up I didn’t like her I thought she was mean but as I got older I started to respect her more. Unfortunately the summer before I turned 16 she passed away from cancer, I lost an incredible mother figure and friend, my brothers lost their mother, William had just turned 12 and Joshua was 7 almost 8. Ironically that year was my best birthday ever, my dad knew how much I was hurting and he threw me a surprise party at my grandma’s house. He got me a cell phone and the best part was he invited my aunts (Patty’s sisters) and my uncle David and his family was all there and we grilled burgers and had cheese cake (my fave)! It was by far the best birthday ever. I won’t get into the story of the worst birthday I’ve had because I don’t want to call anyone out. Through out the years my dad and I had our ups and downs; right now we are in a down. I don’t understand it really, I know that my dad doesn’t like to talk on the phone and it’s hard to talk to someone that doesn’t like it. It’s hard too since I moved to Berryville, I try to stop by when I have time and I’m in town but sometimes there just isn’t time. I also have to think too why is it all on me to call and visit, am I the only one that wants to see him or talk to him? If the only communication you were able to have with a child was the telephone would you not use it? It’s hard and I’ve gotten to the point that I’m really tired of trying. About 7 years ago I got to this point with my mom, she hit rock bottom, she was never around and during the summer of 2004 she was arrested for possession of drug paraphernalia. Over the next year she struggled with her addiction disease and was accepted into the drug court program. She completed the program along with 12 weeks in rehab; she came to me and apologized for being an absent mother while I was growing up, and for everything she did. I am proud to say that my mom has been clean and sober for 6 years. WAY TO GO MOM!!