Happy Mother's Day

Mother.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a mother as "a female parent". That includes mothers, grandmothers, step-mothers, mothers-in-law, aunts, sisters, youth leaders, teachers, foster mothers, adoptive mothers, birth mothers, or any other woman who helps shape your life. You don't have to give birth to be a mother. 

With today being my first official Mother's Day I can't help but to remember years past, last year I was pregnant with our miracle but the years prior are not ones I care to remember. On my mind are all the women who long to be mothers, who in their hearts are already a mom. I've been there. To the woman who has lost a baby before you got to meet him or her, I'm praying for you today. To the woman who's IVF cycle failed, I'm praying for you today. To the woman who is struggling with infertility today, I'm praying for you. 

Being a mom is definitely a blessing but those feelings of loss are still there, I will never forget those feelings. If  you're struggling  today just know you're not alone. Just remember, a mother is a female parent, you can make a difference in someone's life. I spent too much time feeling sorry for myself when I could  have been helping others, or witnessing to someone. I was diagnosed with infertility, we have 2 babies who are with Jesus after losing them during IVF, we conceived our son naturally because our God is gracious. I am a mother because of our awesome God. Happy Mothers Day to you, every woman out there who is or longs to be a mother, we celebrate you today. 

Ashley 

A note to my readers

I just want to take a moment and say thank you to those who messaged me with words of encouragement after my last post. It means so much to me to know that you all are thinking of me. 

Ashley

Here we go again

So here we are just over a year after we found out we were expecting our miracle baby. A lot has happened in the past year and our lives are forever changed, we have an amazing healthy baby boy! But why am I not satisfied? Why does there seem to still be envy creeping into my heart and my head? Why can't I just be happy and enjoy my little blessing? Why do I find myself still questioning Jesus? Why??? 

Let me tell you what been running through my head the last 2 months, I went back to work after 12 glorious weeks at home with my Sawyer man. It was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be, until they told me about the policies for pumping. I followed the rules that were set out, I tried but it seemed that I couldn't do it correctly, because  the rules kept changing... It took me about 3 weeks before I found a new job and left  the company I'd called home for the last 10 years. My new job is much better, there is no more stressing about pumping or about the job itself. So what am I envious of you ask? I'm envious of my best friends who stay home with their kids, I'm envious of the "SAHM" from the breastfeeding group I'm in on Facebook... I'm envious of all the moms that can stay home with their children. Do I hate my job? No,I love it, most of the time as all jobs have their moments. But in the mornings when I'm showered and dressed and I go to wake up my sleeping baby and he stretches and cries for a minute, I long to leave him sleeping, to let him peacefully rest just a little longer. Then that voice pops in, "if you stayed home you wouldn't have to wake him up"... "If only you were a stay at home mom he could sleep in". 

Then there are the times when he makes advances in his development, picking up  his paci for instance, my mother in law (who watches him 4 days a week for me) does a pretty good job of letting me discover his advancements on my own but that one slipped through, he did it there first. I missed the first time he picked up an object and held it. And just last Friday he rolled from back to front, Corrie missed it as well, she was making his bottle and came back in to find him on his belly when she'd left him on his back. What about crawling or walking will I be the one to see him take his first steps? The thought of missing that moment absolutely crushes me. It's so hard, I always imagined staying home with my kids but it's not possible for us financially. Not after the money we spent on IVF, yes we're still feeling the effects of that almost 2 years later. I could stay home and get of food stamps I guess, live off of Uncle Sam and take advantage of all the government programs we've funded all these years. But I'm not that person, we're not those people. I'm able bodied and can work so I will, unless we can afford for me to stay home I will work. 

So there you have it, my latest struggle. I'm trying to keep the envy at bay, I'm trying not to question God, I'm trying to believe that when His time is right he will allow me to stay home with my baby. His time I just have to remember His time, not mine. I'm reading the verses in John 21 over and over, yes Jesus I love you. I won't rush my desires this time like we did with the IVF, I'll be waiting patiently for my turn. Until then I'll enjoy every moment we do have together and continue to thank God for my Sawyer man every day. Until then I'll be praying for Gods direction in my life, we will continue to pay off our IVF debts, and someday I know He will provide to allow me to stay home. 

Ashley 

My big 5 month old!! 

This Christmas

Well here we are again... another year coming to a close, this year has been an exciting one to say the least, lets take a look back.

Last Christmas we were still in a state of mourning, we were facing a reality that we may never have children of our own and mourning the loss of our 3 embryos who went home to Jesus in September. It was not the best Christmas that is for sure. With the new year came peace and understanding and a challenge from our pastor, a challenge to pray specifically for God's will in our lives and what we can do to for His kingdom. So we started our year, praying specifically and thanking God for the many blessings we had. We were discussing the possibility of adoption when the "impossible" happened... we were pregnant!! Nothing is impossible with God on your side! February 21st was the day, I'll remember it forever... (read about it here) Everyday I wake up next to this miracle child I still can't believe he's mine, I carried him for almost 9 months and gave birth to him... we serve an awesomely amazing God and I'm reminded of that everyday... everyday when I get to look at this face...

After taking the test in February the rest of the year was kind of a blur, we had the gender reveal party in June, We were completely overwhelmed at how many of our family and friends came out to support us and find out what we were having! July was bible school and August was uneventful. September we had our showers, the last one was September 27th, we were ready now all we needed to do was wait... wait another month for our miracle to arrive, little did we know he was coming sooner than we expected. (birth story)

Now 2014 is coming to an end, I've had 11 glorious weeks with this precious boy and soon I'll have to return to work, I'm not too worried about Sawyer though he'll be in good hands! I can't wait to see what 2015 has in store, Merry Christmas friends and a very Happy New Year!


Love,
Chance, Ashley, & Sawyer

 

Sawyer's birth story

Well all I have to say is... Due date- shmu date! I'm finally getting this typed up, I started it like 2 weeks ago!! On Wednesday October 1st 2014 at 8:30 (ish) in the morning my water broke... At work! Yareli and I went upstairs to get the fall decorations for the bank and I moved an easel which did not weigh much at all, when I set it down I felt a gush... Yup it was my water and it had just broken and was leaking down my leg! Yareli helped me down the stairs and to my office where I called Chance, and he didn't answer... So by this point I all I wanted was to go to the bathroom to make sure that's really what it was. I told Yareli to tell John and Don, she did and when she got back I had just dialed Chances work # and handed the phone to her and went to the bathroom. There was no doubt about it, it was my water! So when I got out of the bathroom she was standing there with my purse and my keys and said "I'll drive you home Chance will meet us there" so off we went home to pack a bag for me and Sawyer... That's right nothing was packed, nothing was washed, the nursery was still a complete disaster from the shower he had the Saturday before, and my house was messy as well! Yareli went to the nursery to pack Sawyer's bag and went to change out of my wet pants and pack our bag. Within 30 min Chance was at the house and we were on the road to the hospital! 

Chance was just a little flustered, we were trying to make phone calls to family and he turned the wrong direction and had to go through town. He hit HWY 21 and floored it, I calmly told him that we did not need to drive that fast as I wasn't  having contractions and I could still feel Sawyer's butt up near my rib cage! He slowed down and when we got to Huntsville we stopped at McDonald's for a biscuit... The entire trip was a blur it went so fast! 

We took this selfie on the way...

We got to the hospital at 10:30, once in the ER I changed into a gown and the nurse checked me. The fluid was for sure amniotic fluid and I was dialated to 3 centimeters and 70% effaced. So they admitted me and she started an IV, since I had my strep test Monday and the results were not back yet I had to have penicillin through the IV and it HURT!! I was put into a room about noon and then given the epidural about 1. After I got my epidural they started pitocin, when they checked me as they started the pitocin I was still a 3 but I was effaced to 80%. The next 6 hours were a blur, visitors in and out, I don't remember what stage I was at which time but I do know I went from a 6 to a 9 in about 15 minutes. I started pushing about 7:25 and at 7:54 my world forever changed. Sawyer Rex Robbins was here. 

The nurse placed him on my chest and he let out a scream then they took him to evaluate him. He was early, 4 weeks early, I was only 35 weeks and 6 days along. They had called in the NICU respiratory team in case his lungs weren't fully developed. He was having difficultly breathing so they took him upstairs, I made Chance go with him because I couldn't. The doctor and the nurses assured me he would be ok, I prayed he would be and finally about 10:00 I was able to get upstairs to see him. This is what I saw... 

To say that I was emotional was an under statement... Seeing your baby hooked up to the monitors, IV, and the c-pap machine made me a blubbering mess! The nurse didn't help by telling me not to touch his arm the way I was. It would be over 12 hours before I could hold my baby but that moment was the BEST feeling ever!!

 

Best moment ever! Here are some pictures from our stay in the NICU. We were there for 6 days and he did so well! He's a strong guy and wanted to go home as much as we did! 

Today Sawyer is 3 weeks old and we've been home for 2 weeks here are some pics from our first 2 weeks! 

Going home! 

As you can see he likes to sleep... A LOT!! Here are some with his eyes open! 

He is staring to hold his head up and is more alert during the day, he sleeps well at night but gets up every 3 hours to nurse. He's a good baby and I love him SO much! Well he's asleep on my chest right now and is starting to wake up! Good night friends!! 

Love Ashley