Compassion & Grace

As a parent we take care of our kids, feed them clothe them, buy them things to entertain them. We are constantly trying to keep our children safe, making sure they don’t eat rat poison or touch fire. Sometimes though we might make poor parenting decision or turn our back for a second, most of the time those instances are met with a bump or bruise or maybe a burn. But on a rare occasion tragedy strikes, your child is eaten by an alligator, climbs into a gorilla pit, or accidentally gets locked in the car in the heat of summer just looking for his favorite toy. In the “connected” world we live in news like this doesn’t take long to reach the entire world… and the entire world has an opinion on it. What they would have done or wouldn’t have done, how much better of a parent they are, or even though they don’t have kids they’d “never let that happen”. Here’s the truth folks… you don’t know. Unless you’ve been in there, unless it’s happened to you, you don’t know and shaming the parents publicly does nothing to help the situation. Are some instances preventable? Absolutely. Are some instances neglect? Sure. Does it make it any less tragic if it happened to a family from the run down side of town with 4 or more kids living on government assistance or to a white collar family with 2.5 kids and a big house in a gated neighborhood? No, it doesn’t matter who it happens to. When a child is injured in an accident, preventable or not, it’s still tragic and for the most part the parents who have lost hat child are hurting and depending on the circumstances probably feeling a whole lot of guilt. So here is what I propose, instead of publically shaming these parents for accidents how about we show them compassion. Now I’m not talking about the abusers, or the ones that leave their children alone for hours upon hours while they go out to get drunk or high. I’m talking about loving parents to whom the unimaginable just happened, their child just died, maybe it was because they weren’t paying attention for a moment or maybe it was because they made a bad judgment call or maybe just maybe that child is strong willed and wanted to do something they were told they couldn’t do and got away from their parent. Kids are freakishly fast! I pray every day Sawyer doesn’t get away from me walking out of the house and run into the street. Accidents happen and it’s not our place to judge others. We should pray for them and hope that out of tragedy can come forgiveness and that they know that by grace they are saved.  

 

Ashley

 

Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma,

I thought about calling you today and then remembered I can't... I've been thinking about you a lot  these last few days, the last few weeks actually. I wish I'd called you last week when I had the chance, I  remember picking up the phone to call you but something distracted me... probably that super cute little boy you were over the moon about. Since I can't talk to you on the phone here's what I wanted to tell you.

I love you, Sawyer is growing so fast his check up was yesterday and he's finally moving up the growth charts!! His birthday party was a huge success, I really wish you could have been there, I would have come get you but I was so busy setting up for the party. I was going to show you pictures from the party next time I came to see you, I also have pictures of Sawyer for you, they're from his one year photo shoot. This one is my favorite...

Today I scrubbed my shower, I thought about taking before and after photos but I'm too embarrassed to let anyone see how dirty it was... It now sparkles! I was just thinking about the time we made the humming bird cake for my birthday. You didn't like the taste of the coconut in the bag from the store, you were convinced that they changed it and it was different, so we bought a real coconut and we tried to peel it or shell it or whatever it's called. Well you were using a knife and it slipped and got you in the hand, you were bleeding and tending to your wound and I was trying to help you... but I saw the blood and the next thing I knew I was sitting in the chair with my head between my knees and you were bringing me a cool rag for my head... yup I almost passed out and while you were the hurt one you still were tending to me! That's just the way you were, you always put others before yourself. I miss you Grandma. Today while cleaning I found a letter you'd written to me back in May, you were always thinking of others. I know that none of us would be where we are without your constant prayers.

I know that when Chance and I were struggling with infertility you were praying just as hard as we were for a baby... and when we finally found out we were pregnant we stopped by to tell you in person, I'd never seen you so happy! Except when you got to meet him for the first time.

 



 I regret not getting more photos of the two of you... I didn't really ever think about it when we were there... I'm sorry about that. I miss you so much. I know that someday I'll see you again but its hard right now. I'm going to take comfort knowing that you are with Jesus and no longer in pain. I love you grandma and I'll talk to you soon! 

Love,
Ashley

Birthday Celebrations

Well... we've made it a year!! Our little miracle baby, whom we never thought we would have, is here and is a happy, healthy, spunky, a bit cantankerous, strong willed, loving little boy!! We took vacation time this week to be home with him and celebrate his special day. On Thursday, his actual birthday, we took him to the Zoo in Springfield and he had a great time! He was a little afraid of the giraffes but who wouldn't be when you're a tiny guy and  staring up at a giant giraffe!! He also didn't care for the pushy goats in the petting zoo. We decided to forego the stroller and use the wagon he loved it but it was a little too much freedom for him as he kept trying to stand up in it. Here are some pics from our zoo day!

Lunch at Lamberts

 

An elephant!!!!

I love Sawyer's face in this one!!

 

 

Riding in the wagon like a big boy!!!

 

Man the Zoo sure wears a fella out!! 

On Saturday we celebrated his birthday with a party, close friends and family all came out and it was a great time!! Here are some pictures...

Matching shirts! 

Opening gifts!

Cupcakes!!

Football theme! 

 

  Eating cake! 

Sawyer and his friends!!

We had a fantastic week celebrating our little guy! I can't wait to see what the next 12 months have in store for us!! 

Ashley  

Mommy Thoughts

We've all done it, said what kind of mom we'd be, what we would and wouldn't do when we had kids. I was 'that' woman, the one that saw a kid screaming in the mall and thought 'my kid won't act like that'... Well yes he did, just yesterday in fact. I was the one that saw a mom be too 'lazy' to breastfeed and was giving her baby formula... (Insert audible gasp here)... My son drinks formula because I don't make enough breast milk. I was the one that saw a woman nursing in public and thought 'Can't she cover up?' I despise using a cover and my son hates it. I was the lady that said "my kid won't sleep with me, he'll be in his own bed from day one", he's 9 months and his crib is used for his clean clothes I've yet to put away! 

Being a mom is hard it's non stop worrying and second guessing, it's googling at 1 am why your kid is running  a fever when he was perfectly fine just 5 hours earlier. It's constant guilt when you drop him off to his daily caregivers, it's trying your hardest to make it through your work day so you can rush home to love on and just be with him for the 2 hours before he has to go to bed. It's crying in the closet while trying to pump, at work, what little milk your body produces just so that he has some breast milk. But it's also rewarding... seeing him crawl for the first time, or pull himself up on the coffee table. It's the look of pure joy he gets when he sees you after a long work day, it's the moment when you give him a pickle and he actually likes it. It's waking up in the morning to smiles and cuddles, when he's nursing for those 30 minutes that are just ours, me and him. That's the highlight of my day. 

Motherhood is hard, you are making the decisions that will shape the life of this child the lord has entrusted to you. It's trying to be a good wife and mother at the same time. Or, if your a single mom, trying to fulfill the role of both mommy and daddy. Motherhood is a club, a secret society if you will, we all have our child or children's best interest in mind, we make decisions based on what best for our child. What's best for my son might not be what's best for yours. I gave my kid a French fry yesterday... And I'm not sorry, he loved it! We have to stick together and be supportive of one another, we can't make another mommy feel like a failure just because she doesn't or is not able to raise her child like 'we' think she should. 

Mom shaming... That's the word that is being used these days. Anytime we see another mom doing something we don't agree with we cast judgment. Just today I did it, at Walmart I saw a mom with her baby who looked just a little older than mine with no shirt on, and I judged her. How do I know that he didn't get food or milk on his shirt and she didn't have a spare but still needed to run in to Walmart, it happens! One day I might be in that situation and I sure hope I don't get judged. Here is my resolution, I'm going to try not to judge other moms from here on out. My opinion is my own and I won't push it on others unless it's asked for. I challenge you all to do the same. 

Thanks for reading. 

Ashley

On My Mind... Off My Chest

Last week someone made a comment to me that was hurtful and untrue, this post is about my feelings on the subject.

Today I visited my grandmother, she is almost 80 and I have not been a very good granddaughter as I haven't visited her very much since Sawyer has been born, maybe 4 times, and I've passed her house many more times than that. Life gets busy, which is not a valid excuse, in fact there are no valid excuses. I dropped the ball and for that I am truly sorry. I will be making a valiant effort in the future, I owe that to her, especially since she's old and not able to travel far. I also visited my mom, memaw and pawpaw, they get along a little better than grandma and grandpa but are also a little younger than they are. When Chance and I got engaged (6 years ago tomorrow) we decided we would move to Berryville because at the time his dad was battling cancer and we felt that our presence here was more needed than with my family in NWA, so we moved. All my family was only an hour away at the time and we said we would make an effort to visit at least once a month, we were generally able to do that at first. Since then we've become youth leaders in our church, committee members for our local Relay for Life, on top of both of us working 40+ hours a week, and oh yeah... we had a baby!! So yes, life got busy. Our once a month commitment turned into every other month, on top of the family we needed to visit we also left some great friends over there whom we also longed to see and catch up with. Visiting everyone in one day was not an option, so therefore we had to split up our time. It was easy when it was just us to take off after work on a Friday night and take the dogs or leave them with Chance's parents. Not so easy anymore. Then some of the family moved, it actually made it easier to see them since they were now closer to us and on our way home.

Fast forward to present day. Family has moved again, some far away and have come back, some a little further away than before. What's great about technology these days is that I can text photos and videos to Sawyer's grandparents so that they feel involved and since they don't get to see him everyday. Since I've moved here I've heard so many times that I don't visit enough. This isn't anything new but I honestly do try. It's hard. Having a baby makes it harder. It's a constant battle knowing that we only have this much time and this many people we have to try to see.

Here's what I don't understand, why is it only on us to make sure that we see my family. Why are we expected to be the ones to travel to NWA every time. It is the same distance from here to there as it is from there to here. An effort should be made by all parties involved. Friends and family. I am tired, on weekends I want to be selfish and cuddle my baby and hang out at home and clean my house or watch TV with my husband. Catch up on chores around the house that have fallen behind during the week or even for months because we have been gone on weekends visiting.

I try. I believe that God sees my efforts and knows my heart, He knows that if we aren't able to make something or aren't able to visit at a moments notice it's not because we don't want to its because we can't. I admit that we can do a better job splitting our time however we can all do a better job of seeing to it that the relationships stay strong. I have an aunt that lives in Tulsa and growing up they would come visit us and we would go visit them... it's what families do. We weren't reliant on one person or the other to make sure we saw each other we both put in the effort.

I miss my family and friends terribly, but I'm no longer going to be the only one to make an effort to see them, or to see to it that he has a relationship with them. I'm also letting go of what everyone else thinks.

This isn't the first time I've been the "selfish" one or the "inconsiderate" one or the "ungrateful" one. I guess those are just my titles in this family. It doesn't matter that no one ever calls, texts, or comes to see me it only seems to matter that I don't do all those things... Now that I'm here on my blog I really don't want to list out everything I "don't" do... I'm tired of defending myself.  So I'm washing my hands of it. I'm letting it go, the hurtful words that were said the things I may have said in anger. I'm truly sorry for anything I may have said or done to offend but I'm doing the best I can. I'm ending this post so that I don't say anything else that can be taken out of context or that can be twisted around.

Sawyer is starting to wake up so I've got to go tend to him. Good night friends.

Ashley

Happy Mother's Day

Mother.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a mother as "a female parent". That includes mothers, grandmothers, step-mothers, mothers-in-law, aunts, sisters, youth leaders, teachers, foster mothers, adoptive mothers, birth mothers, or any other woman who helps shape your life. You don't have to give birth to be a mother. 

With today being my first official Mother's Day I can't help but to remember years past, last year I was pregnant with our miracle but the years prior are not ones I care to remember. On my mind are all the women who long to be mothers, who in their hearts are already a mom. I've been there. To the woman who has lost a baby before you got to meet him or her, I'm praying for you today. To the woman who's IVF cycle failed, I'm praying for you today. To the woman who is struggling with infertility today, I'm praying for you. 

Being a mom is definitely a blessing but those feelings of loss are still there, I will never forget those feelings. If  you're struggling  today just know you're not alone. Just remember, a mother is a female parent, you can make a difference in someone's life. I spent too much time feeling sorry for myself when I could  have been helping others, or witnessing to someone. I was diagnosed with infertility, we have 2 babies who are with Jesus after losing them during IVF, we conceived our son naturally because our God is gracious. I am a mother because of our awesome God. Happy Mothers Day to you, every woman out there who is or longs to be a mother, we celebrate you today. 

Ashley 

A note to my readers

I just want to take a moment and say thank you to those who messaged me with words of encouragement after my last post. It means so much to me to know that you all are thinking of me. 

Ashley

Here we go again

So here we are just over a year after we found out we were expecting our miracle baby. A lot has happened in the past year and our lives are forever changed, we have an amazing healthy baby boy! But why am I not satisfied? Why does there seem to still be envy creeping into my heart and my head? Why can't I just be happy and enjoy my little blessing? Why do I find myself still questioning Jesus? Why??? 

Let me tell you what been running through my head the last 2 months, I went back to work after 12 glorious weeks at home with my Sawyer man. It was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be, until they told me about the policies for pumping. I followed the rules that were set out, I tried but it seemed that I couldn't do it correctly, because  the rules kept changing... It took me about 3 weeks before I found a new job and left  the company I'd called home for the last 10 years. My new job is much better, there is no more stressing about pumping or about the job itself. So what am I envious of you ask? I'm envious of my best friends who stay home with their kids, I'm envious of the "SAHM" from the breastfeeding group I'm in on Facebook... I'm envious of all the moms that can stay home with their children. Do I hate my job? No,I love it, most of the time as all jobs have their moments. But in the mornings when I'm showered and dressed and I go to wake up my sleeping baby and he stretches and cries for a minute, I long to leave him sleeping, to let him peacefully rest just a little longer. Then that voice pops in, "if you stayed home you wouldn't have to wake him up"... "If only you were a stay at home mom he could sleep in". 

Then there are the times when he makes advances in his development, picking up  his paci for instance, my mother in law (who watches him 4 days a week for me) does a pretty good job of letting me discover his advancements on my own but that one slipped through, he did it there first. I missed the first time he picked up an object and held it. And just last Friday he rolled from back to front, Corrie missed it as well, she was making his bottle and came back in to find him on his belly when she'd left him on his back. What about crawling or walking will I be the one to see him take his first steps? The thought of missing that moment absolutely crushes me. It's so hard, I always imagined staying home with my kids but it's not possible for us financially. Not after the money we spent on IVF, yes we're still feeling the effects of that almost 2 years later. I could stay home and get of food stamps I guess, live off of Uncle Sam and take advantage of all the government programs we've funded all these years. But I'm not that person, we're not those people. I'm able bodied and can work so I will, unless we can afford for me to stay home I will work. 

So there you have it, my latest struggle. I'm trying to keep the envy at bay, I'm trying not to question God, I'm trying to believe that when His time is right he will allow me to stay home with my baby. His time I just have to remember His time, not mine. I'm reading the verses in John 21 over and over, yes Jesus I love you. I won't rush my desires this time like we did with the IVF, I'll be waiting patiently for my turn. Until then I'll enjoy every moment we do have together and continue to thank God for my Sawyer man every day. Until then I'll be praying for Gods direction in my life, we will continue to pay off our IVF debts, and someday I know He will provide to allow me to stay home. 

Ashley 

My big 5 month old!! 

This Christmas

Well here we are again... another year coming to a close, this year has been an exciting one to say the least, lets take a look back.

Last Christmas we were still in a state of mourning, we were facing a reality that we may never have children of our own and mourning the loss of our 3 embryos who went home to Jesus in September. It was not the best Christmas that is for sure. With the new year came peace and understanding and a challenge from our pastor, a challenge to pray specifically for God's will in our lives and what we can do to for His kingdom. So we started our year, praying specifically and thanking God for the many blessings we had. We were discussing the possibility of adoption when the "impossible" happened... we were pregnant!! Nothing is impossible with God on your side! February 21st was the day, I'll remember it forever... (read about it here) Everyday I wake up next to this miracle child I still can't believe he's mine, I carried him for almost 9 months and gave birth to him... we serve an awesomely amazing God and I'm reminded of that everyday... everyday when I get to look at this face...

After taking the test in February the rest of the year was kind of a blur, we had the gender reveal party in June, We were completely overwhelmed at how many of our family and friends came out to support us and find out what we were having! July was bible school and August was uneventful. September we had our showers, the last one was September 27th, we were ready now all we needed to do was wait... wait another month for our miracle to arrive, little did we know he was coming sooner than we expected. (birth story)

Now 2014 is coming to an end, I've had 11 glorious weeks with this precious boy and soon I'll have to return to work, I'm not too worried about Sawyer though he'll be in good hands! I can't wait to see what 2015 has in store, Merry Christmas friends and a very Happy New Year!


Love,
Chance, Ashley, & Sawyer

 

Sawyer's birth story

Well all I have to say is... Due date- shmu date! I'm finally getting this typed up, I started it like 2 weeks ago!! On Wednesday October 1st 2014 at 8:30 (ish) in the morning my water broke... At work! Yareli and I went upstairs to get the fall decorations for the bank and I moved an easel which did not weigh much at all, when I set it down I felt a gush... Yup it was my water and it had just broken and was leaking down my leg! Yareli helped me down the stairs and to my office where I called Chance, and he didn't answer... So by this point I all I wanted was to go to the bathroom to make sure that's really what it was. I told Yareli to tell John and Don, she did and when she got back I had just dialed Chances work # and handed the phone to her and went to the bathroom. There was no doubt about it, it was my water! So when I got out of the bathroom she was standing there with my purse and my keys and said "I'll drive you home Chance will meet us there" so off we went home to pack a bag for me and Sawyer... That's right nothing was packed, nothing was washed, the nursery was still a complete disaster from the shower he had the Saturday before, and my house was messy as well! Yareli went to the nursery to pack Sawyer's bag and went to change out of my wet pants and pack our bag. Within 30 min Chance was at the house and we were on the road to the hospital! 

Chance was just a little flustered, we were trying to make phone calls to family and he turned the wrong direction and had to go through town. He hit HWY 21 and floored it, I calmly told him that we did not need to drive that fast as I wasn't  having contractions and I could still feel Sawyer's butt up near my rib cage! He slowed down and when we got to Huntsville we stopped at McDonald's for a biscuit... The entire trip was a blur it went so fast! 

We took this selfie on the way...

We got to the hospital at 10:30, once in the ER I changed into a gown and the nurse checked me. The fluid was for sure amniotic fluid and I was dialated to 3 centimeters and 70% effaced. So they admitted me and she started an IV, since I had my strep test Monday and the results were not back yet I had to have penicillin through the IV and it HURT!! I was put into a room about noon and then given the epidural about 1. After I got my epidural they started pitocin, when they checked me as they started the pitocin I was still a 3 but I was effaced to 80%. The next 6 hours were a blur, visitors in and out, I don't remember what stage I was at which time but I do know I went from a 6 to a 9 in about 15 minutes. I started pushing about 7:25 and at 7:54 my world forever changed. Sawyer Rex Robbins was here. 

The nurse placed him on my chest and he let out a scream then they took him to evaluate him. He was early, 4 weeks early, I was only 35 weeks and 6 days along. They had called in the NICU respiratory team in case his lungs weren't fully developed. He was having difficultly breathing so they took him upstairs, I made Chance go with him because I couldn't. The doctor and the nurses assured me he would be ok, I prayed he would be and finally about 10:00 I was able to get upstairs to see him. This is what I saw... 

To say that I was emotional was an under statement... Seeing your baby hooked up to the monitors, IV, and the c-pap machine made me a blubbering mess! The nurse didn't help by telling me not to touch his arm the way I was. It would be over 12 hours before I could hold my baby but that moment was the BEST feeling ever!!

 

Best moment ever! Here are some pictures from our stay in the NICU. We were there for 6 days and he did so well! He's a strong guy and wanted to go home as much as we did! 

Today Sawyer is 3 weeks old and we've been home for 2 weeks here are some pics from our first 2 weeks! 

Going home! 

As you can see he likes to sleep... A LOT!! Here are some with his eyes open! 

He is staring to hold his head up and is more alert during the day, he sleeps well at night but gets up every 3 hours to nurse. He's a good baby and I love him SO much! Well he's asleep on my chest right now and is starting to wake up! Good night friends!! 

Love Ashley 

One year later... My birthday.

Well this year has been a pretty good birthday, the girls at the bank decorated my office and Kristy made me brownie bites! My mother in law made me a feast of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, and green beans! Followed by a Dairy Queen blizzard cake... Mmm Mmm Mmm!!! I've received numerous calls and texts, and a ton of Facebook well wishes!!

 

But last year was not a happy birthday, one of the worst of my life to be honest. Everything we had prayed for, everything we had done, all the money we had spent… it wasn’t enough. My babies didn’t survive. I never knew that one word could have such an impact, that one word could cause you physical pain, one word… NEGATIVE. It still stings a little just thinking about it. The test was first thing that morning I got there at 8 am went through the admission process and gave them my blood. I think that I already knew in my heart what the result would be, you see the day before I was bleeding and passing clots. I knew that something wasn’t right but I didn’t want to believe it quite yet. I wasn’t ready to accept the fact that the result might me negative… I didn’t want to face that reality, not today, not any day, and not ever. It was 5:30 before we got the results, I remember it like it was yesterday, the email from Sarah started with “I have the results from the lab and I don’t have good news…” I still remember reading that line over and over again, it was blurred from the tears in my eyes tears that wouldn’t stop, and the next sentence was just as devastating “The result was negative.” As we were lying on the bed trying to read Sarah’s words and letting it all sink in, it felt like an eternity. It wasn’t though only about 30 minutes as we text and called our parents and close friends to let them know the news. Then we picked ourselves up, put on our happy faces, and went to my birthday dinner with my dad. Pure devastation was the emotion we were feeling at that moment. There are no other words to describe that feeling. Even though it’s been a year since we got the terrible news the pain is still present, even though we are expecting this miracle child the hurt is still there. I don’t think that it will ever subside, will it hurt less? Yes, I think eventually the pain will get better but it will never fully go away. And to be quite honest I hope it doesn’t, we were supposed to take that journey; we were meant to conceive Sawyer naturally so that our God could show us just how amazing He truly is. Well He’s made His point, we heard Him loud and clear, and we could not be more thankful and grateful that we serve such an Awesome God!

 

So Sawyer I want to say this: As we get ready for the last 6 weeks of this pregnancy I imagine everyday what you will look like, I picture holding you and rocking you to sleep. I envision the future as you grow and the personality you will have, will you be stubborn like your mom and dad or will you be the complete opposite of us? Will you have my eyes and your daddy’s nose, or maybe my lips and daddy’s ears?! Oh precious Sawyer how we long to kiss your sweet face and look into your eyes, not much longer and you’ll be here with us! This weekend we will celebrate you at a shower with our family and friends, and we can’t wait! We love you so much already baby boy keep growing and we will see you soon!

 

Love, Mom and Dad

Fun filled weekend

Well it's only half over but this weekend has been super fun! It started yesterday at work with a shower thrown by my amazing co-workers! Here are some pics... 

Sawyer is so blessed already to have so many people that love him! I am one lucky momma to have so many wonderful friends to do this for us! 

So that was yesterday, and today we took maternity pictures!!! My best friend Meagan came all the way over from Springdale to do photos for us! I cannot wait to see them! We had such a great time together today, it makes me wish she were closer. It is days like this that make me realize how much I truly miss her! She and I and our friend Mandy have been friends for almost 10 years, actually next year will be our 10 year 

friend-aversary. We are planning something fun to celebrate!! I don't have any sneak peeks of the photos yet but as soon as I do I'll devote an entire blog post to them! That's all I've got for now, I think I'll head to bed... It's been an eventful day and this girl is TIRED!! Have a blessed rest of your weekend friends! 

Ashley 

Oh I almost forgot my fellow blogger friend Ashley over at weareexpectingmiricales.blogspot.com surprised me at work with a super cute gift for Sawyer, here is the pic... 

I love it so much and I'm so grateful that God allowed our paths to cross a few years ago, she's truly an amazing woman! Thanks Ashley! 

Ok good night for real! 

My awesome husband!

                      

 

Ok if you don’t want to hear me brag on my husband then stop reading right now… Alright for those of you still with me here it goes. I just want to say that since the day we found out we were pregnant Chance has been amazing. He cooked or got take out during the nausea phase, he cleaned and picked up during the time when I’d fall asleep on the couch at 7:30 (which is beginning to happen again). He listened to me get sick the first 3 months and even though he hated it he understood that I didn’t want to take medication for it.  He grinned through my mood swings, and listened when I cried for no reason over things that didn’t matter. He’s rubbed my feet and legs when they are swollen from the August heat, and even painted my toenails since it had all chipped off and I wasn’t able to get a pedicure right then. He’s put together furniture and taken down walls. He’s built shelves, hung things on the walls, and hung the most difficult curtain rod known to man! He’s shopped with me for things for Sawyer and we did the registry together. I get crazy decorating ideas sometimes and even though he usually can’t picture my vision he lets me go with it and generally likes what I come up with. He’s patient with me and makes sure I have what I need! Even this morning when I woke up at 4:45 with the WORST leg cramp ever, my thigh was cramping... My thigh! Have you ever had a thigh cramp? I don't reccomend them. I woke him up and he rubbed it while I laid in the bed and cried, and apologized the whole time! He’s been the best through this whole experience and I couldn’t have asked for more, Sawyer is one lucky little boy to have such a fantastic daddy. I hope he knows how much I appreciate him, I love you Chance Robbins and I can’t wait to start this next chapter with you! Today we're heading to birthing class, should be a great day!! I'm adding some photos of my amazing man to the end of this post, enjoy!! 

Ashley 

Fun times at VBS! 

Silly Chance! 

My handsome man!!! 

Easter

The day after we found out we were pregnant!! 

One year later, Labor Day weekend

After the appointment Saturday the 31^stwe got our timeline from Sarah, we would report to Little Rock Monday September 2^nd, Labor Day. They don’t take holidays down there, to me that is dedication. We stayed Sunday night in Little Rock because we had to be at the clinic Monday morning at 8:30 am. There was a whole lot of extra praying that went on those 2 days. Monday morning for sure, it was only the second time in my life that I’d been put under anesthesia, the first time was when I had my wisdom teeth out when I was 18, needless to say I was nervous. Everything went well they were able to retrieve 16 eggs and 11 of them were mature enough to be fertilized. Out of the 11 only 3 actually fertilized, 2 divided normally and one did not, it never divided and thus they had to discard it. To this day, and I don’t know if I’ve ever told anyone this before, but I still wonder if we should have transferred all 3… that’s something that I’ll wonder forever. We did the transfer Thursday of that week it was the 5^th. Everything went well and we left Little Rock with 2 growing embryos inside me. It would be a week and a half before we’d have the pregnancy test and we’d know if everything we had been through worked or not.

 

This weekend Chance and I have been taking it easy, we're visiting my memaw and pawpaw, the boys went to the farm and Memaw and I are getting pedicures! That's where I'm blogging from... The pedicure chair!! Tomorrow will be church and the leaders dedication, then Sunday afternoon we'll probably have lunch with Chances parents and Monday we have NO plans! That's just the way I like it! Have a great long weekend friends! 

 

Ashley

One year later, the first shot

This day last year was a roller coaster of emotions, the day started out with me calling the mail order pharmacy used to send us our IVF prescriptions. You see I had gotten an email the night before that my prescriptions had shipped and their ETA was Monday… I was supposed to start the injections that night, so Monday was NOT going to work. So I called the pharmacy and explained the situation the guy on the phone was super nice and helpful and told me that the email was not a mistake that someone had shipped it incorrectly and that it would not arrive until Monday. He then transferred me to the concierge department who started a search to find the medication at a local pharmacy, no luck… then they asked me to contact my clinic and see if they had it… 3 hours away. She explained that there was another option but she was not authorized to do this unless she spoke to a manager… she took my number and called me back. They ended up sending me the prescriptions same day with no charge to me since it was their mistake. In the mean time I had emailed Sarah to let her know what was going on and she began searching for a 2 day supply of the medication, she had some at the clinic in Johnson and we were instructed to drive there and Chance would administer the shot on site. So we did! We drove to Fayetteville and got the meds, went to Walgreens (because I forgot to get alcohol wipes) and Chance shot me in the parking lot! Haha!! It was a little funny! We made it back home started a movie and the full prescription of meds arrived about 11:00. Over the next week I drove to Johnson on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. We found out my body is excellent at making estrogen and that my eggs grow very well when stimulated! After the Saturday appointment we would find out when we’d go to Little Rock for the retrieval... I’ll pick up there next week!

 

As for present time, yesterday Chance and I went to Branson and shopped for the rest of the decor for Sawyer's room, we got curtains, rugs, and baskets! I'll post pictures as soon as the room is complete! 

Have a blessed day friends! 

 

Ashley

One year later...

With everything that is going on in our lives these days; the joy of feeling this life grow inside of me, planning the showers to celebrate him, gearing up for our Wednesday night classes that start in a couple of weeks, and of course cheering on the TOC team at church league softball; I almost forgot the journey we were on this time last year. We were preparing for our IVF cycle. Even now, a year later, I’m still emotional just thinking about the journey that has brought us to this moment. The heartbreaking journey with wounds so fresh and deep even the smallest of bumps can open them back up. We are healing and we are continuing to move forward, it’s not easy but it’s doable. Even with the miracle moving inside me right now there is still, and always will be, a special place in my heart for my angel babies that we never got to meet.

 

So just to keep things in perspective and prevent me from ever taking this miracle pregnancy for granted I decided to share over the next few weeks a memory of the journey that led us here. I’ll start by the post that started it all, last July I posted about our infertility diagnosis and the decision that we had made to start the IVF process. That was a very emotional post, for one I was sharing the intimate details of the diagnosis we’d received and I was doing it publicly, for the entire world to see if they chose to! It was nerve wracking to say the least. After that initial post we went through more testing and waiting and more waiting to start the IVF cycle. This week marks the week we started, August 24^th2013. I’ll wait until then for the next post but I just wanted to say I hope you all follow with me as we journey down memory lane. These memories are heartbreaking but I now know that we were meant to take that journey, not only to make us stronger but make us appreciate what we have and certainly believe even more in the God we serve. Thank you all for the thoughts, prayers, phone calls, and messages over the last year, they mean more to me than you all will ever know.

 

Love,

Ashley

Counting my blessings!

Tonight as I lay here on the couch feeling Sawyer kick and roll around I can't help but to feel full! Full of blessings, full of Gods mercies and grace, and full of baby! We are 27 & 1/2 weeks and we are so excited to meet our miracle baby, only 3 more months! Every time I feel a kick or movement I sill can't believe that I'm pregnant, after being told we'd never conceive naturally and losing our 3 embryos through IVF the day I took the pregnancy test was the most mind blowing day of my life! Our God is truly amazing and ALL things are possible through Him! 

Not much has been going on lately, we finished our registry at target yesterday and learned that Walmart no longer offers in store registries it's all online, kind of irritated me a bit but whatever! Tomorrow we have a doctors appointment and the 3D ultrasound, we're pretty excited to see baby Sawyer's face! I'll post pics sometime later this week! Right now though I'm tired so I'm headed to bed! Good night all! 

Ashley 

"Watch your Tone"

I don’t know how many times in my life I’ve heard this phrase… I don’t know how many times in my life I’ve said this phrase.  One thing I do know is how true it is and how with just the tone of our voices we can lift up our brothers and sisters or we can tear them down… way down.  It may just be my over sensitive hormones and the fact that a commercial on TV or a song on the radio can bring me to tears right now, or perhaps it’s an epiphany from God. A way for him to show me just how powerful my tone of voice can be, I was on the receiving end of quite the lashing a few days ago and I know that the person that lashed out didn’t mean it but it really hit me hard. I spent the next few minutes after they were finished going through my emotions: sad that I’d upset this person, mad that they’d lashed out, then into uncontrollable crying and sobbing and not being able to explain to my husband why I was crying. The crying lasted about 20 minutes as witnesses asked me if I was ok… Just a side note, when you see a pregnant woman trying to fight back tears asking her if she’s ok is just a good way to get those tears to start flowing again! After we got home and I was able to actually talk to Chance about it the tears and why I was crying it all came again, the tears and sobs, don’t ask me why I can’t give you an answer… just that they started and they wouldn’t stop. Eventually they did and I got over it, as much as I could.

 

So now on to my epiphany, is this the way that I make people feel when I get an annoyed tone with them? Have I ever caused someone to cry at the sound of my words or the words that I’ve said? Have they dwelt on what I have said to them for days and wondered what they ever could have done wrong to cause me to treat them in such a way? Lord help me I hope not.  I’m afraid though that I have and that I’ve done it not realizing the extent of what I’d done… with just my words. The Bible talks about ‘Taming the Tongue’ in James chapter 3 verses 1-12:

Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.² We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.³ When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. ⁴ Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. ⁵ Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. ⁶ The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.⁷ All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind,      ⁸ but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.⁹ With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. ¹⁰ Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. ¹¹Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? ¹² My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

No human being can tame the tongue… just let that sink in… we can’t tame our tongues, we can only seek God’s help in making sure that only good things and uplifting words come from our mouths. A salt spring cannot produce fresh water. The saying from my childhood comes to mind, we’ve all heard it and said it before “sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me” this is the furthest from the truth. Broken bones and cuts heal, once the casts and bandages are gone so is the hurt that went with it, you may never forget what was done but the pain eventually is gone. Words cut deeper than any knife and linger longer than any bone can take to heal. Words are never forgotten and can last a lifetime.

I started thinking about all the times that Chance has told me about my “tone”.  I never realized that I was using a tone but to think that I might have shown him disrespect in just a tone of voice makes me wonder how many others have I disrespected with just my tone. Then I got to thinking about Sawyer and when he gets big enough to ask me something and I’m already annoyed at something else and I answer him with annoyance in a sarcastic or condescending tone, will he still want to come to me and ask me things? Will he be afraid to ask me questions for fear that I’ll lash out with annoyance? I pray that I can make a change before my son has to hear that. I pray that I can start thinking of my mood before I speak and potentially ruin someone’s day; I pray that God can help me get a hold of my own tongue and never make someone feel inferior or less of the amazing person that he created just from my words. I know that I definitely need a lot of help in this department, just yesterday when buying fabric for Sawyer’s room the lady at the fabric store was quite rude about me placing a special order and well I am my mother’s daughter and when the lady got snotty so did my mom and then I started to… I ended up sending my mom out to start the car so that all 3 of us didn’t get into a scuffle and by the end the lady had straightened up and I got a discount on the fabric I’d had to order. Not because she was that nice but that’s just how the computer rang it up. As I left I thanked her and told her to have a good day and I actually meant it, I was not just saying it spitefully like I’ve done in the past. It wasn’t the lady’s fault that she was the only cashier and the only other person working in the store was cutting the fabric for all the other customers, they truly did need more help.

So there you have it, my epiphany if you’ll let me have it that way. God is working on me still and if any of you are reading this and have been victim to me and my tone, tongue, or condescending words please accept my deepest apologies. I want to leave you with a song from Hawk Nelson called “Words”, I’ve tried to add the video into this post but it might just be the YouTube link. In the song he says “Words can build us up, words can tear us down, start a fire in our hearts or put it out”… I don’t want to be the one that puts out a fire in someone’s heart; I want to be the one that helps lift them up and keep that fire burning. Have a blessed day friends.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=anVweXDcxhA

Ashley