Thursday, March 5, 2015

Here we go again

So here we are just over a year after we found out we were expecting our miracle baby. A lot has happened in the past year and our lives are forever changed, we have an amazing healthy baby boy! But why am I not satisfied? Why does there seem to still be envy creeping into my heart and my head? Why can't I just be happy and enjoy my little blessing? Why do I find myself still questioning Jesus? Why??? 

Let me tell you what been running through my head the last 2 months, I went back to work after 12 glorious weeks at home with my Sawyer man. It was surprisingly easier than I thought it would be, until they told me about the policies for pumping. I followed the rules that were set out, I tried but it seemed that I couldn't do it correctly, because  the rules kept changing... It took me about 3 weeks before I found a new job and left  the company I'd called home for the last 10 years. My new job is much better, there is no more stressing about pumping or about the job itself. So what am I envious of you ask? I'm envious of my best friends who stay home with their kids, I'm envious of the "SAHM" from the breastfeeding group I'm in on Facebook... I'm envious of all the moms that can stay home with their children. Do I hate my job? No,I love it, most of the time as all jobs have their moments. But in the mornings when I'm showered and dressed and I go to wake up my sleeping baby and he stretches and cries for a minute, I long to leave him sleeping, to let him peacefully rest just a little longer. Then that voice pops in, "if you stayed home you wouldn't have to wake him up"... "If only you were a stay at home mom he could sleep in". 

Then there are the times when he makes advances in his development, picking up  his paci for instance, my mother in law (who watches him 4 days a week for me) does a pretty good job of letting me discover his advancements on my own but that one slipped through, he did it there first. I missed the first time he picked up an object and held it. And just last Friday he rolled from back to front, Corrie missed it as well, she was making his bottle and came back in to find him on his belly when she'd left him on his back. What about crawling or walking will I be the one to see him take his first steps? The thought of missing that moment absolutely crushes me. It's so hard, I always imagined staying home with my kids but it's not possible for us financially. Not after the money we spent on IVF, yes we're still feeling the effects of that almost 2 years later. I could stay home and get of food stamps I guess, live off of Uncle Sam and take advantage of all the government programs we've funded all these years. But I'm not that person, we're not those people. I'm able bodied and can work so I will, unless we can afford for me to stay home I will work. 

So there you have it, my latest struggle. I'm trying to keep the envy at bay, I'm trying not to question God, I'm trying to believe that when His time is right he will allow me to stay home with my baby. His time I just have to remember His time, not mine. I'm reading the verses in John 21 over and over, yes Jesus I love you. I won't rush my desires this time like we did with the IVF, I'll be waiting patiently for my turn. Until then I'll enjoy every moment we do have together and continue to thank God for my Sawyer man every day. Until then I'll be praying for Gods direction in my life, we will continue to pay off our IVF debts, and someday I know He will provide to allow me to stay home. 


My big 5 month old!! 

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