But last year was not a happy birthday, one of the worst of my life to be honest. Everything we had prayed for, everything we had done, all the money we had spent… it wasn’t enough. My babies didn’t survive. I never knew that one word could have such an impact, that one word could cause you physical pain, one word… NEGATIVE. It still stings a little just thinking about it. The test was first thing that morning I got there at 8 am went through the admission process and gave them my blood. I think that I already knew in my heart what the result would be, you see the day before I was bleeding and passing clots. I knew that something wasn’t right but I didn’t want to believe it quite yet. I wasn’t ready to accept the fact that the result might me negative… I didn’t want to face that reality, not today, not any day, and not ever. It was 5:30 before we got the results, I remember it like it was yesterday, the email from Sarah started with “I have the results from the lab and I don’t have good news…” I still remember reading that line over and over again, it was blurred from the tears in my eyes tears that wouldn’t stop, and the next sentence was just as devastating “The result was negative.” As we were lying on the bed trying to read Sarah’s words and letting it all sink in, it felt like an eternity. It wasn’t though only about 30 minutes as we text and called our parents and close friends to let them know the news. Then we picked ourselves up, put on our happy faces, and went to my birthday dinner with my dad. Pure devastation was the emotion we were feeling at that moment. There are no other words to describe that feeling. Even though it’s been a year since we got the terrible news the pain is still present, even though we are expecting this miracle child the hurt is still there. I don’t think that it will ever subside, will it hurt less? Yes, I think eventually the pain will get better but it will never fully go away. And to be quite honest I hope it doesn’t, we were supposed to take that journey; we were meant to conceive Sawyer naturally so that our God could show us just how amazing He truly is. Well He’s made His point, we heard Him loud and clear, and we could not be more thankful and grateful that we serve such an Awesome God!
So Sawyer I want to say this: As we get ready for the last 6 weeks of this pregnancy I imagine everyday what you will look like, I picture holding you and rocking you to sleep. I envision the future as you grow and the personality you will have, will you be stubborn like your mom and dad or will you be the complete opposite of us? Will you have my eyes and your daddy’s nose, or maybe my lips and daddy’s ears?! Oh precious Sawyer how we long to kiss your sweet face and look into your eyes, not much longer and you’ll be here with us! This weekend we will celebrate you at a shower with our family and friends, and we can’t wait! We love you so much already baby boy keep growing and we will see you soon!
Love, Mom and Dad
