Feelings...

I'm asking today for prayers, I've been having feelings of resentment and anger and I need Gods help to squish those feelings. I don't want to use my blog for griping or complaining, and this post might seem like I'm doing both but that is not my intention... I'm just writing down my feelings. I feel like people who haven't struggled with fertility issues don't understand how amazing the miracle of life is. I wish that some were more understanding of what we are going through, ask us how it's going, or how we're doing. Chance and I have told most of our close friends and family about the journey we've embarked on and for the most part we are fully supported. I've really developed a great relationship with a friend that has gone through the same process, we've laughed together and cried together and she has been an awesome support since we found out about our infertility and for that I am so grateful. I think what I'm struggling with most is the feeling that some of my friends and family don't seem to care, and I know that's not the case but that's how I feel... I feel like those that already have kids don't understand the heartache and disappointment that we've experienced, I'm sure they understand the desire to have children but they don't understand the rest. The resentment that I'm feeling stems from the fact that most people can have sex once and get pregnant, some people don't have to "try" or even "track" their cycles. Babies are expensive anyway, I've read that it takes $10,000 to $15,000 for baby's first year of life but when you add up the costs of IVF fertility treatments that number doubles. People take for granted the fact that they don't have to have treatments to have a baby and that makes me angry! For those of you reading this that haven't struggled with fertility issues please do me this one favor, think before you speak... Comments like "well of course we got pregnant right away, we prayed for it" or "it will happen, just stop thinking about it" or the worst of them all "maybe your not meant to be a mom"... Comments like that hurt, they cut to the core, they cause your heart to break and a heart can only take so much. But please also ask your friends, if you have friends who are struggling, ask them how they're doing ask them if there is anything you can do. Maybe all they need is to know that you are thinking of them, that you haven't forgotten them and the fact that they are going through something emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually exhausting. Let them know that you're still there, maybe they need to talk, or maybe they need a hug, or maybe they'd like a piece of chocolate! Don't just call them up and pretend nothing is going on, shoot the breeze and act like its just another day. Remember everyday is a constant battle of emotions, and doesn't help that you're on hormones that make you cry for NO reason at all! So pray for me, pray that I can keep my emotions in check, that I can squish the resentment and anger feelings, pray for Chance too we both need it. God bless all of you reading this and thank you. Sorry if this sounded like a gripe-fest it wasn't my intention.

Ashley

Uncomfortable

Fair warning this post probably contains too much info.... But I did it... I passed the HSG test!!! Go me! For those of you that are wondering it is the x-ray dye test to make sure my faliopan tubes are clear and nothing is blocking them, and I passed!! I'm just going to be perfectly honest... It sucked! It wasn't the fact that is was super painful, don't get me wrong it hurt, but it wasn't the worst pain I've ever experienced. The worst part was that they couldn't get through to shoot the dye. What I was told would be a 15 min procedure took 45 minutes, but they finally were able to get it. It was emotionally, physically, and mentally exausting. I kept trying to think of other things, the staff was super nice and the dr that they brought in was great. I was really glad when he was able to tell me the results and that the 45 minutes laying on the table was worth it because the results were good! I was only given 24 hour notice about the test I found out Thursday at 1:30 that I needed to be at the hospital at 1:30 Friday. I think in a way that was good because I didn't have time to phsyc myself up for it! Memaw went with me and sat in the waiting room, I was grateful that she went because it was nice to know that someone was there waiting for me. Chance would have gone but he had to work. After the appointment I hauled it back to Berryville and Chance and I hurried up to Branson for our youth leaders retreat. We planned out the next year in our youth ministry, it was a productive and awesome weekend. We have the best friends we could ever ask for and I'm so thankful and greatful that God has placed them in our lives. I'm telling you God knows what he's doing and the fact that we have these people to help us though this process is proof!

I've been on the birth control for 4 days now and I haven't noticed a huge change in my mood... Hopefully it will stay that way! We're looking at about 3 weeks on the birth control then we'll attend the IVF class with the nurse and start the injectable hormones. Hopefully I'll get some more info on a timeline... You know me, I'm a planner!!

Church League Ragball

Tonight the awesome TOC team won both their games! They're doing pretty great this season only losing one game so far!! Last night was a pretty dirty night as in it FINALLY rained in Carroll County and the field was Muddy!! We played Kings River and Bethel last night and I'm pretty sure Bethel only showed up to play in the mud, they looked like they had a great time and went home covered in mud head to toe! Tonight was a little more dry but there was still a pretty big puddle between 3rd and home. Tonight wasn't without excitement though, John hit 2 home runs for the TOC team and Henry from Southern Heights got hit in the head with the ball... There were a few injuries but I think everyone was able to walk home. We were all fairly surprised when the game wasn't called due to lightning even though the skies were dark and lightning was all around us!

As we were all running for our vehicles after the game was over to prevent getting wet I got an email... It was from the APN from Little Rock apparently she's been sick and has been gone, she asked some questions about my cycle, and TMI, but I'm on day 4 and we have to start the birth control pills on day 2-5 of my cycle... It might be too late for this month but if so we'll just wait til next month. We know that God has a plan and whatever that plan is it will be great! It seems that everything is coming together. 

In other news I'm planning a yard sale the last weekend of August, we're using this as a fundraiser for our "baby fund". Memaw has given us stuff and I think Cindy will be bringing things to put in it. Hopefully we can make a good amount to help cover some of the extra expenses we will have. Sometimes I still find myself feeling angry at the fact that we have to go though this process, that we aren't able to do the one thing that God intended us to do naturally. But I believe that God gave man wisdom to make medical advances and that this is a way for us to be able to have our own children. We are so excited about starting this new chapter in our lives and we are so blessed to have this option. Please keep us in your prayers as we continue to pray and seek God's guidance. Good night all! 

Ashley 

VBS

This week was VBS week at Towering Oaks Church, I look forward to this week evey year!! I was fortunate enough to get to do this VBS twice this year, once in Pennsylvania on our church mission trip and then again at TOC. I always come away from the week feeling full and blessed, it truly is such an honor to do Gods work. Chance and I work with the teens and we get pretty attached to the kids, luckily we get to see most of them in Wednesday night classes in the fall! I also get to have my brother with me for the week, I miss him terribly and it's such a joy getting to spend time with him! I'm even more glad he's coming to learn about God! My faith has been tested these past few... well years I guess... From deciding to start a family to finding out that we aren't able to conceive naturally without a miracle, to deciding to start the IVF process. It's super stressful and emotional but all week at bible school we learned that God helps us Stand Strong!! God is certainly helping me stand strong and without him I don't think I'd make it through! I've been blessed with some amazing friends and family and a pretty awesome husband, I know at God will not gave me the challenges that he does if he didn't think that I could handle it. If he brings me to it he will bring me though it!! Yesterday I got to spend some time with friends at the lake and today we had and awesome day at the water slide at roaring river!! Sunday will be the VBS finale at church and I am really looking forward to it!!  That's all for now, God is good all the time!!

Ashley

No news...

Monday was the last time I heard from the nurse from Little Rock... I really don't want to be a bug-a-boo but the suspense is killing me!!! I want to know when we can start this whole process... I'm trying to be patient but its hard. I'm this close to bombarding her email with "are we there yet" type questions, but I will refrain, I know she's a busy woman. We're still praying and seeking God's guidance, all in His time.

Not much else happening around here I've been trying to get back into the habit of walking everyday but its so hot🔥. Today I went swimming with a friend and we did water exercises, now that's fun!! I always have fun with her we have the best conversations!! Chance is fishing tonight and I should be folding laundry but I'm putting it off... PROCRASTINATION! I'm really good at it, so I'm watching hallmark movies! Ok I've wasted enough time I must go fold now!!